BeatsPerLove

Well well well, look who decided to show up, am I right?? Lolz

A lot's happened since 2016 and boy let me tell you, I've never been weaker in my life. So much drama, so much crying, so many world implosions! But I'm still here in one piece ready to finally gradgitate. This last year is a doozy and I guess I'm back on site because this place gave me some comfort and some jealousy, but good memories nonetheless. I haven't been drawing much and haven't been uploading the ones I have, but I'll get around to that because I'll have so much free time looking for jobs :'D

I'd like to catch up with old friends and work more on my flaws. Let's see how that goes in the upcoming weeks! I have a really big final for one class that's happening in four days that I am nervously procrastinating on because I took a nap earlier today and the fear of those hours unconscious really doesn't help my timeline. Whatever, right? I can't get those hours back, but I am well rested for the next few hours. I am currently working on this post and another class so I can at least worry about those things less for tomorrow. 

I think I'll mainly migrate to Instagram for posting, but I'll share those details when I get there.

Hope yall are doing well! Thanks for sticking around ya girl for so long

Well, I had a deep rant and inspirational memo, but I didn't submit it??
It was just really personal, so idk! I accept that I can't find it, so let's just move on

Hi! I should've checked if people were still following me, but thanks a bunchies if you stayed!
I'll try to post more now that my computer's finally accepted SAI again. I know I can post pencil sketches and stuff, but I think I'll lead this account for the fancier stuff? Maybe just scrap this and start a new account? I guess we'll see in a few weeks

I'll try to keep you posted!

<3 Beats

P.S. I have such a cool account name though pity to be wasted...

UPDATE:
Haha, funny story! I found the long ranty/happy post 2 seconds after I posted this one. Go check it out if you want to feel sad and slightly happy.

I know I haven't been very active anymore, but Merry (late) Christmas c:>
If you're still following me, that's great. Thanks for sticking around < I've been getting caught up in school and trying not to die mentally hahaHA, but seriously I've been going through some major internal battles, and the occasional exterior battle, these past couple of years. I don't want to alarm you, I'm just informing you that I'm doing fine and I still have a pencil in hand...just not as often...

My computer wasn't being very friendly to SAI, so I kind of gave up for a bit and tried to find different programs. It didn't suit me as much as SAI did especially with my still unsteady skill set. Don't get me wrong, looking back at everything makes me want to cry because I was doing so well and then I just fell off a cliff knowing that I'm just not that good anymore. But hey Let's look up and say that I still have some structure to my drawings thanks to muscle memory.

Honestly, the real world's made me pretty tough, even though I'm still kind of this meek jello substance inside.
I've been speaking my mind more and been having to confront issues faster unlike before. I really wish I had more faith in people and complained less like I did in the past. I mean I complained in the past, but I've been thinking about what bugs me more and it's rotting my core. I don't like it. I wish I didn't have bad things to say, but lately I've just been spewing things out precariously. I guess I just haven't been in a good social environment for a while and I'm just evolving to stay afloat socially. FEELS AHEAD >>> I thought I had friends and they either dropped me out of their lives because I don't function they way they do or I just don't really have much to offer. At least this is what I think, and because I think this way, I get social anxiety and steer clear of communication with those people. I think it's because friend groups have finally been established, the hate becomes the bordering wall that segregates the weird and the normal, and finding a seat in class becomes much harder when no one really brings you into conversation...kind of like you're not there. I get weak and crumble inward. I jolt my eyes away. I stay silent unless they initiate conversation. It's a weird feeling and I sometimes dissociate. It's not fun and when I make the effort to be friendly, start the convos, or what have you, I get hesitated smiles and conversations, something that strikes me as "Oh, you're still here, heh". I know that's probably not the case, but my brain goes cray and thinks this way. After such interactions, it's back to social anxiety and the cycle begins again.
With the help of my very best friend, and I think I can confidently say he's my only friend at school, I've worked through some of the first barrier walls. Once I'm in, it's a little easier to be social. However, some days, those amazing days I get so happy for no reason and I talk to everyone and I am at the peak of happiness. These are rare and I don't really know what triggers them. I wish I knew so I could remain happier for more than five days out of the year. I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way, but it's just what I've been going through, and I'm glad no one from my school knows about this account because I can just tell you everything. Maybe seeing all written out, the decisions I need to make to be happy will lay before me.

Being so focused on where I stand socially, I neglected to take care of my hobbies like drawing, oil painting, violin, piano, and of course, digital painting. I mean, I'm not near my violin or the piano anymore because of school, but that's besides the point. I lost myself socially and mentally that I ended up losing what feels like half the progress I've made in my peak years. I'm taking a large stumble back, but I think I've finally stood back up from hitting rock bottom. Every day should be a new day, so let's start fresh in the morning where I'm not afraid to be wrong, looking people in the eye, and speak naturally and comfortably. The only thing people can do is bring me down with subtle cues, but only if I let them.

Past the drama and chaos, the view looks really nice from here
I really need to draw and paint more now!!!! WEEKEND, HERE I COME.

This habit of mine shall stop! Nothing will make my life better if I lie in my own misfortunes and sorrow. Positive thinking should get me far and, so far, it has I can only follow the future and look at the past for happy memories and character building!